To All Employees Of The United States Government, With the Exception Of our Servicemen & Women in our Armed Forces.
The following Directives are to be Implemented In the coming weeks.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government..
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL).
Cankles Dept (Until Captain Swift Boat takes over)
Al Qaeda’s operatives (Depending on the day)
House of Rep.s
Chuck E Cheese’s
All Strip Joints (To include oversea assets)
Biden VP If he can be found
Any and all employees that work from home
Any and all employees that work here sometimes
All squirrels with a clearance of nut or above
If this is not complete inform your section Leader